Shiawase no Katachi 7
I wonder at what point it started, but when one day I stopped to think about it, I realized that I've fallen for Hajime.
... Or is it alright to call it as such?
At the very least, I know that while at first I, just like others, were attracted to him due to his charisma, the reason I decided that I want to stay by his side was because of other things that I discovered along the way of befriending him all these years. Like his reactions when I teased him a little, or how despite his seemingly know-it-all impression he's actually still pretty innocent, or the peaceful smile he showed when watching children or small pets frolicking happily in the day.
All the little things that I learned because I tried hard to make him open up to me, probably have made me greedy and a little conceited, thinking that I'm the only one who has the privilege to see those sides of him.
If that's not the case, then how to explain this bad feeling I have as I watched Hajime looking comfortable being surrounded by the younger members of our group and interacting with them so naturally?
"Haru-san? Why are you just standing by the doorway like that?"
The voice made me turned my head almost immediately. It was Aoi-kun, the only Omega in our group and hailed as our group's good conscience. Though at first he looked at me questioningly, his expression then turned into a concerned one as he asked, "Is something wrong? You look a little grim."
... Oops. Not good, not good. I shouldn't have let it shown in my face.
"Nah, nothing's wrong. If anything, I guess I'm feeling bad because I need to take Hajime away from Arata and the others for our job today."
"Aah..."
Seems like he believed in my words, because then he peeked into the common room and let out a strained laugh. The other younger members ― Arata, Kakeru, and Koi, are making Hajime play a video game with them. All four of them looks like they're having fun, with Koi, the most skilled out of them, giving instructions so the ones currently holding the controllers, Hajime and Arata, won't lose against the enemy.
"Yes! Just like that! Keep it up, Hajime-san, Arata!"
"Ah! The defense is wide open! Chance, Hajime-san!"
"Yosh, Arata...!"
"Leave it to me!"
The four of them looked so entranced in the game that they practically ignored me and Aoi-kun's arrival. Just as the two of us stood behind them to watch them finish the stage, turned out they had finally defeated what appeared to be a boss enemy. Their cheers accompanied the merry music that played to congratulate the player's victory. And while Hajime wasn't childish enough to openly hype up together with the other three, I can tell that he looks just as satisfied and happy.
... Ah, the ugly feeling is there again.
Unlike me, Aoi-kun who stayed beside me openly rejoiced together with them. "Everyone, congratulations! That's the difficult game that you've been talking about the other day, right?"
"Oh, Aoi. And Haru-san too." Arata, as usual, has a poker face on him despite the happy tone he's talking with. "Yeah, it's the game Pinkhead had been so noisy about. Both of you should've join us from the start and watch my perfect teamwork with Hajime-san."
"Stop calling me Pinkhead! And what perfect teamwork, you keep endangering Hajime-san's character until half past the stage!" Koi retorted right away, glaring sharply at Arata.
"Well, considering it's my first time playing the game, that can't be helped. I'll get even better on the next stage."
Before Koi could say anything against Arata's confident statement, Kakeru interrupted them. "No, no, no, Arata-san! The next stage will be my turn to partner up with Hajime-san, that was the deal! Right, Hajime-san?"
"Aa―"
"You can't."
The debate almost immediately died down as everyone turned to look at me, who had cut Hajime's words short without hesitation in the slightest. I met their startled look with my usual smile... or at least, I tried to make it look as casual.
"Hajime and I need to go for work now, or else we won't be able to make it in time to the location. "
"... Ah, you're right."
Though supposedly we have talked about our schedules for today during this morning's breakfast, apparently the younger boys and Hajime himself have forgotten about it because they got too absorbed in the game. Hajime and I would have a work together starting a little before lunchtime, while the other four would have to go to their respective jobs, TV show recordings and drama practices, after lunchtime.
When Hajime got up from his position on the floor, I noticed the reluctant expression that the boys have. These boys, although at first they seemed intimidated by Hajime's strong Alpha presence, now have opened up to him and be able to interact with him casually. Moreover, unlike the guys surrounding us during our school years, they don't see him as a leader that they need to blindly serve, but more like a role model, someone that they want to be like in the future.
Perhaps that's why Hajime found comfort spending times together with them. Perhaps that's why he now can smile so naturally with them.
... I should be happy with it, because Hajime also looks happy. But as I watched him pet Kakeru's head and promised the boys that he'll play again with them later, I feel the ugly feeling pricking my conscience again.
.
.
.
"... OK! Next, Mutsuki-kun, please!"
"Alright."
The last job of today is a photo shoot to accompany an interview article for a magazine. I had my pictures taken first, before Hajime replaced me standing in front of the camera. The cameraman seemed quite happy when he's giving instructions, making Hajime do various poses. I won't say that I don't understand his feeling. Taking pictures of someone that good-looking must feel quite appeasing.
Though Hajime didn't let it show at all, I felt that he's quite troubled with how passionate the cameraman is. I pity him, but as long as he isn't told to do anything that can be considered inappropriate for our agency's standard, I have no right to stop the cameraman.
"Looking at it like this sure reminds me again that he's full of talent."
I turned my head and looked at the man standing beside me. Usually, that position would be taken by Tsukishiro-san, the manager in charge of our unit, but today he's accompanying the younger boys and instead, a special guest is accompanying me and Hajime for the rest of our schedules today. He's the tsukigami ― that's how the people in our agency came to call the composers or producers who creates our songs ― in charge of producing songs for Hajime.
"I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that directly from you."
"Really? He looks like the type who is too used to hear compliments about his skills, he's probably bored of it."
"No? Hajime really likes the songs you made for him and once said that he's glad that he can fulfill your expectations, because he likes having you as his producer. He's also really looking forward to the new song that you're going to write for us."
We are going to release duet songs some time in the future. As Hajime's producer seem to want to write a piece that best suits the atmosphere that we have when around each other, he made a request to be allowed to watch over me and Hajime working together for a day. Thus, the reason he's here today.
I saw him put up a thin smile at what I said. He probably think that I made all that up (though it's not, really) so he keeps up a modest stance. "Thank you. Then, Haru-kun, while we wait for Hajime-sama to finish, can I have you answer more questions?"
Hajime-sama.
Because most of the other tsukigami called us familiarly with the suffix '-kun', it really amused me to hear Hajime's tsukigami seemed to honor him greatly like that. Suppressing a chuckle, I finally give him a nod. "Sure. What else would you like to know about?"
"Right... I've asked about your school days memories and future goals, so this time, let's try talking about your daily life."
Starting from that, he threw me simple questions like, is there anything new that I learned about Hajime now that we're living in the dorm together with the other unit members, how are we getting along with the others, that sort of stuff. It felt not too different from getting interviewed for articles, yet because the tone of our conversations are pretty casual and the apparent parental affection he had for Hajime, it also felt like telling my friend's parent about the sides of their child that can't be seen at home. A funny feeling, really.
"I see. Glad to hear that you are getting along well with the other unit members." He nodded, seemed to note all that in his head. "Then, what about the new unit? The one that will be your rival unit."
"... Ah, Procellarum members, is it? We're surprisingly getting along well. Especially the younger ones. I often saw them playing together or help each other with assignments."
"I see. Is there no problem with Hajime-sama and Shun-kun?"
I took more seconds pausing to let that question sink in, pretty surprising, considering I usually am quick with my head. And even then, what could escape from my lips was a stupid sounding "Eh?".
"I've heard about Shun-kun's... condition, from Tsukino-san. Both are leaders, yet are polar opposites in many aspects. Some says that polar opposites attract each other, but I wonder about their case. Does Hajime-sama feel reluctant or anything of sort when interacting with him?"
His eyes seemed to search me, trying to see if I'll cover any truth in my words. I don't have any intention for doing that of course. Unlike when talking with an interviewer, there won't be any demerit coming from revealing truths to him. Not that there are anything bad happening that need to be covered either.
It's just... feels a little heavy to speak about it.
"... No, there's nothing like that happening between them. I mean, sure, Hajime seems a little awkward at first because Shun is pretty proactive in befriending him. But Shun is a nice person, and because of their backgrounds, they actually have a lot in common. I often saw them having lively conversations in the dorm..."
As I went on with my explanation, I feel the dark feeling pricked me again. It's growing stronger and stronger as my mind replayed the moments I saw them together. They were doing nothing out of ordinary, just talking about classes that they take, about idol jobs, about fellow members, about funny experiences they had back at school. The sort of casual conversations that friends may have, with little flirtatious tone thrown in as Shun turned out to be real fanatic about Hajime.
That's all they have ever done, as far as I knew, yet I can't help feeling that Hajime will no longer be mine.
... Though, I suppose he's never mine to begin with.
"... I see."
When I realized, Hajime's tsukigami no longer had his eyes on me, but had returned his focus to Hajime, who is finally allowed to step out of the lighting. The photo shoot session is finally over. Hajime approached us after receiving a pet bottle of mineral water and a small towel from one of the staffs, and before I could greet him with a simple "otsukaresama", his tsukigami had spoke up.
"Hajime-sama, Haru-kun, thank you for your cooperation today. I've found out what I'd like for the two of you to sing, so you can expect the lyrics to be completed soon."
Hajime seemed to be a bit surprised by that, and he then threw me a questioning look, as if wondering what I had talked about with his tsukigami while he was busy posing in front of the camera. The only answer I could gave him was a shrug, as I didn't knew either what part of my story had inspired him, or whether it really was because what I talked about with him. The producer refused to reveal anything either, keeping up an enigmatic smile until we had to part ways, as our schedules for the day is over.
Our curiosity was answer a few days later, when we are called to have a meeting with the tsukigami again. As he had promised, he was done composing the lyrics. He made us read the lyrics while listening to the music, all while briefing us of what he expected us to do when it's time for the recording.
I feel like apologizing to him, because I didn't actually listen to what he said, for I was too absorbed in reading the lyrics as I realized something.
Our producers, they are not referred as a 'kami' for nothing.
... Or is it alright to call it as such?
At the very least, I know that while at first I, just like others, were attracted to him due to his charisma, the reason I decided that I want to stay by his side was because of other things that I discovered along the way of befriending him all these years. Like his reactions when I teased him a little, or how despite his seemingly know-it-all impression he's actually still pretty innocent, or the peaceful smile he showed when watching children or small pets frolicking happily in the day.
All the little things that I learned because I tried hard to make him open up to me, probably have made me greedy and a little conceited, thinking that I'm the only one who has the privilege to see those sides of him.
If that's not the case, then how to explain this bad feeling I have as I watched Hajime looking comfortable being surrounded by the younger members of our group and interacting with them so naturally?
"Haru-san? Why are you just standing by the doorway like that?"
The voice made me turned my head almost immediately. It was Aoi-kun, the only Omega in our group and hailed as our group's good conscience. Though at first he looked at me questioningly, his expression then turned into a concerned one as he asked, "Is something wrong? You look a little grim."
... Oops. Not good, not good. I shouldn't have let it shown in my face.
"Nah, nothing's wrong. If anything, I guess I'm feeling bad because I need to take Hajime away from Arata and the others for our job today."
"Aah..."
Seems like he believed in my words, because then he peeked into the common room and let out a strained laugh. The other younger members ― Arata, Kakeru, and Koi, are making Hajime play a video game with them. All four of them looks like they're having fun, with Koi, the most skilled out of them, giving instructions so the ones currently holding the controllers, Hajime and Arata, won't lose against the enemy.
"Yes! Just like that! Keep it up, Hajime-san, Arata!"
"Ah! The defense is wide open! Chance, Hajime-san!"
"Yosh, Arata...!"
"Leave it to me!"
The four of them looked so entranced in the game that they practically ignored me and Aoi-kun's arrival. Just as the two of us stood behind them to watch them finish the stage, turned out they had finally defeated what appeared to be a boss enemy. Their cheers accompanied the merry music that played to congratulate the player's victory. And while Hajime wasn't childish enough to openly hype up together with the other three, I can tell that he looks just as satisfied and happy.
... Ah, the ugly feeling is there again.
Unlike me, Aoi-kun who stayed beside me openly rejoiced together with them. "Everyone, congratulations! That's the difficult game that you've been talking about the other day, right?"
"Oh, Aoi. And Haru-san too." Arata, as usual, has a poker face on him despite the happy tone he's talking with. "Yeah, it's the game Pinkhead had been so noisy about. Both of you should've join us from the start and watch my perfect teamwork with Hajime-san."
"Stop calling me Pinkhead! And what perfect teamwork, you keep endangering Hajime-san's character until half past the stage!" Koi retorted right away, glaring sharply at Arata.
"Well, considering it's my first time playing the game, that can't be helped. I'll get even better on the next stage."
Before Koi could say anything against Arata's confident statement, Kakeru interrupted them. "No, no, no, Arata-san! The next stage will be my turn to partner up with Hajime-san, that was the deal! Right, Hajime-san?"
"Aa―"
"You can't."
The debate almost immediately died down as everyone turned to look at me, who had cut Hajime's words short without hesitation in the slightest. I met their startled look with my usual smile... or at least, I tried to make it look as casual.
"Hajime and I need to go for work now, or else we won't be able to make it in time to the location. "
"... Ah, you're right."
Though supposedly we have talked about our schedules for today during this morning's breakfast, apparently the younger boys and Hajime himself have forgotten about it because they got too absorbed in the game. Hajime and I would have a work together starting a little before lunchtime, while the other four would have to go to their respective jobs, TV show recordings and drama practices, after lunchtime.
When Hajime got up from his position on the floor, I noticed the reluctant expression that the boys have. These boys, although at first they seemed intimidated by Hajime's strong Alpha presence, now have opened up to him and be able to interact with him casually. Moreover, unlike the guys surrounding us during our school years, they don't see him as a leader that they need to blindly serve, but more like a role model, someone that they want to be like in the future.
Perhaps that's why Hajime found comfort spending times together with them. Perhaps that's why he now can smile so naturally with them.
... I should be happy with it, because Hajime also looks happy. But as I watched him pet Kakeru's head and promised the boys that he'll play again with them later, I feel the ugly feeling pricking my conscience again.
.
.
.
"... OK! Next, Mutsuki-kun, please!"
"Alright."
The last job of today is a photo shoot to accompany an interview article for a magazine. I had my pictures taken first, before Hajime replaced me standing in front of the camera. The cameraman seemed quite happy when he's giving instructions, making Hajime do various poses. I won't say that I don't understand his feeling. Taking pictures of someone that good-looking must feel quite appeasing.
Though Hajime didn't let it show at all, I felt that he's quite troubled with how passionate the cameraman is. I pity him, but as long as he isn't told to do anything that can be considered inappropriate for our agency's standard, I have no right to stop the cameraman.
"Looking at it like this sure reminds me again that he's full of talent."
I turned my head and looked at the man standing beside me. Usually, that position would be taken by Tsukishiro-san, the manager in charge of our unit, but today he's accompanying the younger boys and instead, a special guest is accompanying me and Hajime for the rest of our schedules today. He's the tsukigami ― that's how the people in our agency came to call the composers or producers who creates our songs ― in charge of producing songs for Hajime.
"I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that directly from you."
"Really? He looks like the type who is too used to hear compliments about his skills, he's probably bored of it."
"No? Hajime really likes the songs you made for him and once said that he's glad that he can fulfill your expectations, because he likes having you as his producer. He's also really looking forward to the new song that you're going to write for us."
We are going to release duet songs some time in the future. As Hajime's producer seem to want to write a piece that best suits the atmosphere that we have when around each other, he made a request to be allowed to watch over me and Hajime working together for a day. Thus, the reason he's here today.
I saw him put up a thin smile at what I said. He probably think that I made all that up (though it's not, really) so he keeps up a modest stance. "Thank you. Then, Haru-kun, while we wait for Hajime-sama to finish, can I have you answer more questions?"
Hajime-sama.
Because most of the other tsukigami called us familiarly with the suffix '-kun', it really amused me to hear Hajime's tsukigami seemed to honor him greatly like that. Suppressing a chuckle, I finally give him a nod. "Sure. What else would you like to know about?"
"Right... I've asked about your school days memories and future goals, so this time, let's try talking about your daily life."
Starting from that, he threw me simple questions like, is there anything new that I learned about Hajime now that we're living in the dorm together with the other unit members, how are we getting along with the others, that sort of stuff. It felt not too different from getting interviewed for articles, yet because the tone of our conversations are pretty casual and the apparent parental affection he had for Hajime, it also felt like telling my friend's parent about the sides of their child that can't be seen at home. A funny feeling, really.
"I see. Glad to hear that you are getting along well with the other unit members." He nodded, seemed to note all that in his head. "Then, what about the new unit? The one that will be your rival unit."
"... Ah, Procellarum members, is it? We're surprisingly getting along well. Especially the younger ones. I often saw them playing together or help each other with assignments."
"I see. Is there no problem with Hajime-sama and Shun-kun?"
I took more seconds pausing to let that question sink in, pretty surprising, considering I usually am quick with my head. And even then, what could escape from my lips was a stupid sounding "Eh?".
"I've heard about Shun-kun's... condition, from Tsukino-san. Both are leaders, yet are polar opposites in many aspects. Some says that polar opposites attract each other, but I wonder about their case. Does Hajime-sama feel reluctant or anything of sort when interacting with him?"
His eyes seemed to search me, trying to see if I'll cover any truth in my words. I don't have any intention for doing that of course. Unlike when talking with an interviewer, there won't be any demerit coming from revealing truths to him. Not that there are anything bad happening that need to be covered either.
It's just... feels a little heavy to speak about it.
"... No, there's nothing like that happening between them. I mean, sure, Hajime seems a little awkward at first because Shun is pretty proactive in befriending him. But Shun is a nice person, and because of their backgrounds, they actually have a lot in common. I often saw them having lively conversations in the dorm..."
As I went on with my explanation, I feel the dark feeling pricked me again. It's growing stronger and stronger as my mind replayed the moments I saw them together. They were doing nothing out of ordinary, just talking about classes that they take, about idol jobs, about fellow members, about funny experiences they had back at school. The sort of casual conversations that friends may have, with little flirtatious tone thrown in as Shun turned out to be real fanatic about Hajime.
That's all they have ever done, as far as I knew, yet I can't help feeling that Hajime will no longer be mine.
... Though, I suppose he's never mine to begin with.
"... I see."
When I realized, Hajime's tsukigami no longer had his eyes on me, but had returned his focus to Hajime, who is finally allowed to step out of the lighting. The photo shoot session is finally over. Hajime approached us after receiving a pet bottle of mineral water and a small towel from one of the staffs, and before I could greet him with a simple "otsukaresama", his tsukigami had spoke up.
"Hajime-sama, Haru-kun, thank you for your cooperation today. I've found out what I'd like for the two of you to sing, so you can expect the lyrics to be completed soon."
Hajime seemed to be a bit surprised by that, and he then threw me a questioning look, as if wondering what I had talked about with his tsukigami while he was busy posing in front of the camera. The only answer I could gave him was a shrug, as I didn't knew either what part of my story had inspired him, or whether it really was because what I talked about with him. The producer refused to reveal anything either, keeping up an enigmatic smile until we had to part ways, as our schedules for the day is over.
Our curiosity was answer a few days later, when we are called to have a meeting with the tsukigami again. As he had promised, he was done composing the lyrics. He made us read the lyrics while listening to the music, all while briefing us of what he expected us to do when it's time for the recording.
I feel like apologizing to him, because I didn't actually listen to what he said, for I was too absorbed in reading the lyrics as I realized something.
Our producers, they are not referred as a 'kami' for nothing.
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