Shiawase no Katachi 8
The lyrics that my tsukigami composed for our duet song turned out to be telling about a passionate, yet miserable love.
When I realized this, I was a bit dumbfounded. I remembered he was saying that he'll give us a song that suits the ambience of our relationship, perhaps to make it easier for us to put our feelings when singing. So, what is this supposed to mean?
"Is it too difficult?"
He had asked during our briefing, apparently sensing my baffled state. If I were to be honest, I would answer, yes, it is difficult. I have never experienced emotion as strong as what is expressed in the lyrics, after all. But I don't like betraying expectations put on me, especially if it's from someone that I admire and respect. So I said nothing and promised him to give my best on the recording.
Even after the meeting ended and both Haru and I returned to the dorm, I keep thinking about how I can carry out the feeling that the lyrics try to convey.
The title of the song, I remembered, is something that was often mentioned in poems from the olden times. It's said to be a plant capable of making one forgets the bitterness caused by love, and it's implied clearly to have precisely that effect at the end of the song.
Not wanting the partner to feel the pain of love as they are forced to go apart... hoping that they may find happiness although they can't be together...
I found myself smiling wryly. So, in the end, 'koi' turns into 'ai'... *
Understanding that part is good and all that, yet the problem remains that I have never felt something so deep toward someone, so I may not be able to convey the feelings contained to the audience.
"... I wonder how Haru will deal with it..."
Speak of which, he didn't look too bothered when we learned of the song's theme in the briefing earlier. Could it be that the composed stance was because he knew how to pour the emotion into the song?
... Does he know the feeling of loving someone so deeply it's fine to let the other go to chase after their own happiness?
Thinking about that, strangely, made my heart ached. At first, I thought that it was because I was disappointed in myself. We've been together since middle school, after all. If Haru really had went through something like that, why didn't I notice it? Or, why didn't he try to confide in me? Does it means I'm not a reliable friend for him, though I often rely to him for things?
Seconds later, I found myself wondering, who the target of his deep affection is, and was surprised to realize that I'm feeling a little envious to whoever it is.
To be able to make Haru felt that way, that person must be quite charming...
After the thought crossed my mind, I shook my head, trying to brush it away. I had went too far with my pondering. It's not like I have evidences that could confirm it either.
In any case, I decided to discuss the song with Haru.
.
.
.
Because they have the weekend off, Aoi and Arata returned to their family house to spend the days away, and thus that night we had a dinner with only the four of us. Kakeru and Koi had to wake up early tomorrow for a job, so they excused themselves a little after dinnertime. Only Haru and I left, and I thought it was the perfect chance to talk to him about the song. I told him that I'd like to practice together, to get the feel of the song and point out things to improve from each other. He agreed, and we decided to practice in Haru's room.
After welcoming me into his room, Haru headed to his mini kitchen to get some drinks to accompany our practice, all while telling me to go ahead and get ready. The sample CD was already set in the mini compo, as Haru apparently had been listening to it after returning from the meeting. His share of music sheets were on the table, marked here and there with his writings. I was left to fiddle with the remote while waiting for Haru to sit next to me on the long couch, and before we have the music play out, I told him what I wanted to learn, or accomplish, through this practice.
The most important objective, which is to figure out how to harmonize well on the duet parts, should be done without saying, so I skipped it and went straight to saying what has been intriguing me: that I'd like to see how Haru will express himself in the lyrics.
"Me? I'll just... you know, imagine myself parting with someone I hold dear..." He smiled sheepishly, looking like he doesn't know how to put it into words.
After muttering, "I see," I fell silent. His choice of words tickled my curiosity, reminding me of the question I had in mind earlier. I tried to stop myself from asking the question, but Haru smiled at me, as if telling me to go ahead if I have another question.
"... Do you have someone like that? Someone that you like so much, but don't mind parting with, as long as they're happy with it."
I quickly regret letting myself ask him the question. Because after the initial surprised look on his face, his expression turned mellow and the sad smile he had was enough to make me feel guilty.
"Never mind. Let's just start."
Without waiting for his answer, I grabbed the remote and let the song filled the room, effectively ending our conversation. I set my gaze on my music sheets and read it, and with the corner of my eyes I saw Haru picked his own, doing the same with his. I intended to focus solely on the lyrics, but just as the intro ended and came Haru's part of the song, I couldn't help but lifted my head and looked at him as he sings.
To my relief and also surprise, he didn't look as saddened anymore. The words he sang clearly didn't lack hint of grievance, but his expression was rather normal. Even after I joined in for the duet part, he maintained the expression. Perhaps he thought he was wrong with showing the kind of expression he had earlier, and tried to conceal it while keeping the feeling still. Or perhaps...
I couldn't think further than that because just before the music played the part where I'm supposed to sing solo, the front door of Haru's room was knocked furiously.
"Haru! Are you inside!?"
The voice was a little muffled because of the soundproofed walls, but we could recognize it. Kai. Haru and I exchanged looks for a moment before Haru left the couch and ran to open the door for Kai, and I grabbed the remote to turn off the mini compo before getting to the entrance as well.
"What's wrong, Ka-" "Is Hajime in here!?"
Hearing my name mentioned made me alerted. I hastened my walking pace, and saw Kai standing at the doorway, looking panicked. He immediately averted his attention from Haru when he noticed my presence, and although he looked a little more relieved than before, he clearly is still restless.
"Hajime! Goodness, you're here. I knocked your room and there was no answer, I thought you're still working...!"
"Sorry, I was practicing with Haru here. What is it, Kai? What's so urgent?"
"Right, it's Shun, he's-"
I tensed when Shun's name was brought up. Suddenly I knew the answer, even before Kai finished his sentence.
"- in Heat. He looks like he's in great pain -"
"Why are you looking for me?" I cut him short, and he looked at me as if he didn't get my point. "I'm an Alpha, just like you, it's dangerous for me to approach him if he's in Heat. If you want help-"
"- I'd better get another Omega or a Beta, I know." Now it's his turn to interrupt me. He's looking more and more restless, and I can understand why -- for each second we wasted talking like this, Shun will suffer a second longer. "But Yoru and Iku haven't returned from their home. Aoi also went home for the weekend, right? The ones left are Kakeru and Koi, but even if they might not get affected by his pheromones, I don't think it's right to expose them to... something like that."
Now that he's saying that -- Kakeru and Koi certainly are still too young. Remembering the times I encountered Omegas in Heat, I know I wouldn't want to let them see such sight. Not before they matured enough.
"Besides, Hajime." Kai sounded like he's coaxing a child, something that normally I won't appreciate, but as now isn't the time to fuss over that, I just listened to what he has to say. "You're his Mate, right? I think... he won't mind."
"... There's something wrong with that logic."
"Really? Well, talk about that later! Why are you so reluctant with this?!"
"Because...!"
Nothing came out after that. It was as if my words suddenly get stuck and refused to come out. Then again, what kind of excuse was I trying to say? That it's a ridiculous idea after all, to have an Alpha approach an Omega in Heat, even if they're supposed to be Destined Mates? Yeah, that should be the most plausible reasoning I would come up with. But no, I felt that there's a different reasoning, something that weighed me down...
I felt a firm push on my back, forcing me to take a few steps forward, urging me to exit through the doorway.
"Kai said that Shun is in great pain right now, right? So just hurry and go, Hajime."
I turned my head to look at him, ready to object, but then I saw his smile.
And I felt that I finally understand everything.
The reason behind Haru's smile.
The reason that made me so reluctant to go to Shun's side right now.
The reason my tsukigami created this song for us.
--
* Koi (恋) is a selfish sort of love. Always wanting, always insecure, more focused on the happiness of oneself. In the other hand, ai (愛) is said to be a true form of love. Always giving, unselfish, and happy when the other is also happy.
When I realized this, I was a bit dumbfounded. I remembered he was saying that he'll give us a song that suits the ambience of our relationship, perhaps to make it easier for us to put our feelings when singing. So, what is this supposed to mean?
"Is it too difficult?"
He had asked during our briefing, apparently sensing my baffled state. If I were to be honest, I would answer, yes, it is difficult. I have never experienced emotion as strong as what is expressed in the lyrics, after all. But I don't like betraying expectations put on me, especially if it's from someone that I admire and respect. So I said nothing and promised him to give my best on the recording.
Even after the meeting ended and both Haru and I returned to the dorm, I keep thinking about how I can carry out the feeling that the lyrics try to convey.
The title of the song, I remembered, is something that was often mentioned in poems from the olden times. It's said to be a plant capable of making one forgets the bitterness caused by love, and it's implied clearly to have precisely that effect at the end of the song.
Not wanting the partner to feel the pain of love as they are forced to go apart... hoping that they may find happiness although they can't be together...
I found myself smiling wryly. So, in the end, 'koi' turns into 'ai'... *
Understanding that part is good and all that, yet the problem remains that I have never felt something so deep toward someone, so I may not be able to convey the feelings contained to the audience.
"... I wonder how Haru will deal with it..."
Speak of which, he didn't look too bothered when we learned of the song's theme in the briefing earlier. Could it be that the composed stance was because he knew how to pour the emotion into the song?
... Does he know the feeling of loving someone so deeply it's fine to let the other go to chase after their own happiness?
Thinking about that, strangely, made my heart ached. At first, I thought that it was because I was disappointed in myself. We've been together since middle school, after all. If Haru really had went through something like that, why didn't I notice it? Or, why didn't he try to confide in me? Does it means I'm not a reliable friend for him, though I often rely to him for things?
Seconds later, I found myself wondering, who the target of his deep affection is, and was surprised to realize that I'm feeling a little envious to whoever it is.
To be able to make Haru felt that way, that person must be quite charming...
After the thought crossed my mind, I shook my head, trying to brush it away. I had went too far with my pondering. It's not like I have evidences that could confirm it either.
In any case, I decided to discuss the song with Haru.
.
.
.
Because they have the weekend off, Aoi and Arata returned to their family house to spend the days away, and thus that night we had a dinner with only the four of us. Kakeru and Koi had to wake up early tomorrow for a job, so they excused themselves a little after dinnertime. Only Haru and I left, and I thought it was the perfect chance to talk to him about the song. I told him that I'd like to practice together, to get the feel of the song and point out things to improve from each other. He agreed, and we decided to practice in Haru's room.
After welcoming me into his room, Haru headed to his mini kitchen to get some drinks to accompany our practice, all while telling me to go ahead and get ready. The sample CD was already set in the mini compo, as Haru apparently had been listening to it after returning from the meeting. His share of music sheets were on the table, marked here and there with his writings. I was left to fiddle with the remote while waiting for Haru to sit next to me on the long couch, and before we have the music play out, I told him what I wanted to learn, or accomplish, through this practice.
The most important objective, which is to figure out how to harmonize well on the duet parts, should be done without saying, so I skipped it and went straight to saying what has been intriguing me: that I'd like to see how Haru will express himself in the lyrics.
"Me? I'll just... you know, imagine myself parting with someone I hold dear..." He smiled sheepishly, looking like he doesn't know how to put it into words.
After muttering, "I see," I fell silent. His choice of words tickled my curiosity, reminding me of the question I had in mind earlier. I tried to stop myself from asking the question, but Haru smiled at me, as if telling me to go ahead if I have another question.
"... Do you have someone like that? Someone that you like so much, but don't mind parting with, as long as they're happy with it."
I quickly regret letting myself ask him the question. Because after the initial surprised look on his face, his expression turned mellow and the sad smile he had was enough to make me feel guilty.
"Never mind. Let's just start."
Without waiting for his answer, I grabbed the remote and let the song filled the room, effectively ending our conversation. I set my gaze on my music sheets and read it, and with the corner of my eyes I saw Haru picked his own, doing the same with his. I intended to focus solely on the lyrics, but just as the intro ended and came Haru's part of the song, I couldn't help but lifted my head and looked at him as he sings.
To my relief and also surprise, he didn't look as saddened anymore. The words he sang clearly didn't lack hint of grievance, but his expression was rather normal. Even after I joined in for the duet part, he maintained the expression. Perhaps he thought he was wrong with showing the kind of expression he had earlier, and tried to conceal it while keeping the feeling still. Or perhaps...
I couldn't think further than that because just before the music played the part where I'm supposed to sing solo, the front door of Haru's room was knocked furiously.
"Haru! Are you inside!?"
The voice was a little muffled because of the soundproofed walls, but we could recognize it. Kai. Haru and I exchanged looks for a moment before Haru left the couch and ran to open the door for Kai, and I grabbed the remote to turn off the mini compo before getting to the entrance as well.
"What's wrong, Ka-" "Is Hajime in here!?"
Hearing my name mentioned made me alerted. I hastened my walking pace, and saw Kai standing at the doorway, looking panicked. He immediately averted his attention from Haru when he noticed my presence, and although he looked a little more relieved than before, he clearly is still restless.
"Hajime! Goodness, you're here. I knocked your room and there was no answer, I thought you're still working...!"
"Sorry, I was practicing with Haru here. What is it, Kai? What's so urgent?"
"Right, it's Shun, he's-"
I tensed when Shun's name was brought up. Suddenly I knew the answer, even before Kai finished his sentence.
"- in Heat. He looks like he's in great pain -"
"Why are you looking for me?" I cut him short, and he looked at me as if he didn't get my point. "I'm an Alpha, just like you, it's dangerous for me to approach him if he's in Heat. If you want help-"
"- I'd better get another Omega or a Beta, I know." Now it's his turn to interrupt me. He's looking more and more restless, and I can understand why -- for each second we wasted talking like this, Shun will suffer a second longer. "But Yoru and Iku haven't returned from their home. Aoi also went home for the weekend, right? The ones left are Kakeru and Koi, but even if they might not get affected by his pheromones, I don't think it's right to expose them to... something like that."
Now that he's saying that -- Kakeru and Koi certainly are still too young. Remembering the times I encountered Omegas in Heat, I know I wouldn't want to let them see such sight. Not before they matured enough.
"Besides, Hajime." Kai sounded like he's coaxing a child, something that normally I won't appreciate, but as now isn't the time to fuss over that, I just listened to what he has to say. "You're his Mate, right? I think... he won't mind."
"... There's something wrong with that logic."
"Really? Well, talk about that later! Why are you so reluctant with this?!"
"Because...!"
Nothing came out after that. It was as if my words suddenly get stuck and refused to come out. Then again, what kind of excuse was I trying to say? That it's a ridiculous idea after all, to have an Alpha approach an Omega in Heat, even if they're supposed to be Destined Mates? Yeah, that should be the most plausible reasoning I would come up with. But no, I felt that there's a different reasoning, something that weighed me down...
I felt a firm push on my back, forcing me to take a few steps forward, urging me to exit through the doorway.
"Kai said that Shun is in great pain right now, right? So just hurry and go, Hajime."
I turned my head to look at him, ready to object, but then I saw his smile.
And I felt that I finally understand everything.
The reason behind Haru's smile.
The reason that made me so reluctant to go to Shun's side right now.
The reason my tsukigami created this song for us.
--
* Koi (恋) is a selfish sort of love. Always wanting, always insecure, more focused on the happiness of oneself. In the other hand, ai (愛) is said to be a true form of love. Always giving, unselfish, and happy when the other is also happy.
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